5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

Ask away.   "We're all here. Alive and unwell." - Chuck Palahniuk

you don’t get it. and neither do i.

you don’t get it. and neither do i.

— 1 year ago with 11 notes
#self harm  #depression  #si  #fuck you 
too many thoughts to think

I don’t talk to people about my problems because I don’t want to bother them. I wouldn’t know what to say or where to start. I wouldn’t know how to even approach the topic. Besides, I don’t want people to think I’m an attention whore who only cares about themselves and only wants people to feel sorry for them.

Well, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’m fucked up. Sorry I’m depressed. Sorry I can’t get out of bed sometimes. Sorry I’m failing college. Sorry I smoke. Sorry I eat all the time. Sorry I hurt myself. Sorry I just waste my life away.

And the thing is, honestly, I don’t have anyone to be sorry about but myself.

But I can’t just forgive myself for being a horrible human. Not when I don’t know why I’m alive. Not when I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life. Not when I don’t even like myself. Not when nobody cares for me because I’m a horrible person. A horrible daughter. A horrible sister. A horrible friend. A horrible cousin. A horrible classmate.

It’s not my fault I don’t care about myself, which in turn makes it really hard for me to understand why someone would care for me, and even harder to care for them when I don’t believe they actually like me, no, they just feel sorry for me.

I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. All I can see are my hands typing, I’m not even looking at the screen. I’m so detached from my feelings I don’t even want to see them written, I just need to get it out. Let it out of my head.

— 1 year ago
#rant  #my life  #depression  #let it out 
"I would love to have somebody care for me that much."

"I would love to have somebody care for me that much."

— 1 year ago with 2 notes
#my life  #black and white  #quote  #love me 
too many times I’ve broken these apart…

too many times I’ve broken these apart…

(Source: un-credible, via meow-im-cat-deactivated20130306)

— 1 year ago with 11140 notes
#my life  #depression  #SI 
can’t figure it out

I don’t even know what the point of life is anymore… I never really did to be honest. I thought I’d figure it out. I thought someone would tell me. I thought God would save me. I thought wrong.

I don’t want to die. That just brings a whole other unknown. Being alive, if you can call me that, suffices for now. But I don’t know what to do.

I honestly have no idea what people do with their time. How can people do shit? Why do they even want to? I go to work and accomplish nothing. I go to class and learn nothing. I sit in my room and do nothing. I don’t want to do anything. But not doing anything drives me crazy.

I can’t figure this out. Life. I think and think and nothing makes sense. I stare at walls, at the ceiling, out my window, at this fucking screen… and nothing. Sometimes I just sit here and think of nothing.¬†Absolutely¬†nothing. I’m not tired, I just have no thoughts.

I can go outside and walk around or drive around. But seeing people just makes me hurt. And then I want to cry, but I can’t. I haven’t been able to for sometime now. And crying just sounds magnificent. I’ve watched three sad movies in the past 24 hours, and still nothing.

It comes to a point where all I listen to is depressing music and my depressing thoughts. And I don’t leave my room anymore. And I don’t text people back. And then they don’t try me at all. And I still can’t cry. And the cuts aren’t deep enough. And the cigarettes don’t relax me. And the lighter never feels hot enough.

And I’m just here.

— 1 year ago with 1 note
#my life  #depression  #never enough  #si  #what do i do? 
fuck me

And sometimes giving up is all you can do. Sometimes just watching life pass you by is all you have the strength for.

fuck feelings

fuck friends

fuck school

fuck work

fuck family

fuck this

— 1 year ago with 1 note
#my life  #depression  #fuck